let's get lost
by rweasleys
Summary: "when i said let's get lost, i never actually thought we'd lose ourselves." nikki/derrick/massie FRIENDSHIP


she is everything to you.

not a day goes by where you don't find yourself smiling about her and imagining a future together.

the universe though, has other plans.

the day she blurts out that she's been diagnosed with cancer is the day that you ultimately stop believing in everything. no more going to church, no more wishing at 11:11, no more holding your breath under tunnels or throwing pennies into wells - the word hope has been permanently crossed out of your vocabulary.

[.]

you're sitting at her hospital bed watching her flip through channels and yawning in boredom every once in a while and you want so badly to cry, but you promised you wouldn't - for her sake.

"derrick, you can move." she mutters, adjusting her feet and sitting up taller. you can't bring yourself to look at her, but at the same time, you cannot bring yourself to _not._ in replace of her long, brown tresses is a light stubble and her eyes have lost their shine and her skin is chalky and pale.

her beauty still radiates.

you reach forward and stroke her head with your thumb, your finger running across the rows of tiny follicles. she barely notices, she's used to you touching her affectionately when you've been nothing to one another but best friends. your feelings are known, whereas hers are always much too painful and difficult to decipher.

"you know, we still haven't gone to paris together." you mutter, she looks at you and rolls her amber eyes.

"yeah, but i've been there with my parents and nikki and that's good enough." her biting remarks always used to offend you, but now you hang on to every word of hers, the doctors say she doesn't have much longer.

"you still haven't seen one direction live." you say, she laughs and her voice cracks from how dry her throat is.

"hm, well that's nikki's dream more than mine." she changes the channel again and you just blink at her.

"we should go into the city so-" she cuts you off with a deadly look. the tv shuts off and she raises her bed and looks at you in the eyes, turning her body towards you as best as she can.

"what are you trying to do?" she asks, her eyes grow and you immediately retract your hand. "we are _nothing. _i don't like you the way you like me," her voice is thick and she looks down at her hands, her thick lashes are still lingering over her amber eyes. "i _don't_ love you." you suddenly find it extremely difficult to breathe. "we'll never be together derrick. that's just how it goes. all you've ever been is baggage and the worst kind. i - i hate you." she looks down and twiddles her fingers, the iv clips on her fingers clattering together. "sorry." she says harshly.

you somehow open your mouth and mumble "you don't mean it," but just as it shuts, the door opens and nikki is standing there with cupcakes, magazines, movies, stuffed animals and cds, a huge grin on her face. you ultimately decide that you hate nikki as you stand up and walk past her.

"derrick, you left your happiness at the door, so i picked it up for you." she winks and you glare at her.

"goodbye nikki." she shakes her head at you as if to tell you to be careful and you just stand outside, turning around and glancing at the two of them through the glass walls, their words floating through the cracked open door.

"the moment we get you out of here, we must go shopping, i need a new proenza and you my friend need to do something about those nails." she opens a bottle of opi nail polish and the two of them are laughing and joking and nikki is gossiping her heart out as her best friend is dying on the bed before her.

nikki continues to plan all their fabulous adventures and fatasizes about her celebrity crushes and giggles, but quickly everything goes silent and massie speaks.

"none of this will ever happen." you turn around and nikki looks up and then she looks out at you, tears rim her eyes but she smiles brightly at you, wipes her face and turns back to massie, nonchalantly replying.

"yeah, you're right. francisco lachowski can barely speak english, probably too far fetched for me to think i have a chance...although you and i both know that i have a better chance at marrying zayn malik than actually getting into college." massie laughs and everything is normal again.

[.]

cam, skye, alicia, kemp, josh and james come to visit a few days later.

massie's parents are again with the doctors and visiting hours has the hospital packed with people from all over, some happy with good news and others just faking happiness because its much too difficult to face the truth - you're all in the second category.

cam walks in with a big smile and hugs massie, showering her with random gifts and she just smiles at him and makes a joke pairing him up with nikki, their faces heat up but its left at that. james makes jokes about his english lifestyle in order to amuse massie as skye walks over and opens the blinds up, decorating the dull hospital room and complaining about how anyone would die if they were in one. kemp joins in by making a pervy comment about a woman he saw whilst entering the building. alicia brings with her get well cards and a huge bowl of massie's favorite soup (well, every soup is massie's favorite since her favorite is food). josh examines massie with an air of pride, like he always does and though the two of them are nothing but harsh comebacks back and forth, even he is on his best behavior.

"wow massie," is the first thing he says, "you've really let yourself go." she throws a granola bar at him and the two laugh.

you and nikki are the first to notice massie's tired face and the bags under her eyes getting heavier, with all the extravagance of a host, nikki escorts everyone out and suggests they all go out to eat at 'barney's pizzaria' and everyone grudgingly leaves, warily watching one of their best friends. they all attempt to give massie flighty kisses and hugs but it just seems like they're saying their final goodbyes and as they go, they're all crying - josh included.

"how's landon?" massie asks, patting her mouth to help herself from yawning. nikki's face falls but she says something about him doing fine.

you clench your fists together and tighten your teeth. landon and massie had had a thing for about a year and had quickly and suspiciously broken up on massie's part only a few days before she shared her fate. then again, it had been rumored that they had been shaky for a while, reasons being massie's interest in someone else, which again, only angered you further.

william and kendra walk in and thank you two for coming, you nod and say goodbye to massie and for some reason it feels like the last time you're going to see her, so her parents go to the cafeteria to pick up some food and leave you to it.

"see you later only friend," nikki says, laughing as she kisses the top of massie's head and embraces her in a hug. "i'll be back tomorrow with some red velvet cake, god they're going to need to get me a bed right next to you, i'm going to be in such a food coma." massie smiles brightly and nods her head.

"nikki," she lowers her voice and whispers in nikki's ear and nikki's face becomes stony and she loses all her composure and starts to cry, shaking her head furiously, but massie continues to whisper. when they finally part, nikki lingers at the door.

"hey beautiful," you say, kicking at the floor in annoyance.

"hi," massie responds, a smile tugging at the edges of her mouth. "how are you?" you snort.

"that's the first time you've ever asked me that." she grins again.

"that's usually because our conversations never start normally - not saying that you calling me beautiful while i'm in a hospital bed with no hair is normal either...but its a start."

"right," you mutter.

"i'm really sorry about what i said the other day, seriously, you mean a lot to me and i'm really, really sorry i couldn't have felt the same way about you." her voice cracks and this time it's not because her throat is dry. "i really appreciate you being my friend, and you know i'd never say that unless i was desperate." you smile a little, massie and emotions are never on friendly terms. "its just, i don't think i have a long time, and you know i don't. i really wish i could just live or something, but its impossible at this stage. i wish i could have met you earlier and - and i don't know what will happen to me once i'm gone but i just...if i had the capability to, then i'd miss you a hell of a lot, you asshole. i'd miss your really long cheesy monologues that you use on me when you're really desperate for my attention, i'll miss you telling me how great i look, even when i'm laying in hospital tunic and you telling me you love me every day. it means a lot and i know how hard it is for you to admit it and i wish i could tell you i love you too- but i don't." she says quickly, looking at you dead in the eye. she doesn't know how much it hurts when she says that but you just nod along, tears slipping down your face and landing on the sterile white sheets below you. "maybe in another life." she whispers, "but promise me you'll move on."

"okay." you say, because that is all that can come out at the moment.

she smiles tearfully and looks up at you through her lashes, "you'll come back tomorrow right?" you nod and she holds out a pinky and you shake it.

"i'll come back every day if i have to." you say and she just shakes her head.

"you're so cheesy."

you leave her flipping channels and you and nikki walk out, but not before nikki runs back and hugs massie telling her how much she loves her and massie says those three words that you always wish she'd say to you.

"i love you too."

[.]

its three a.m the next morning when you receive the call.

they tried everything but nothing seemed to have worked  
>(you would only have assumed because obviously that is why the girl you deemed the love of your life is declared dead).<p>

[.]

the service is the most excruciating thing you've ever been forced to endure. the entire time, nikki's face is lifeless and you can't even bring yourself to comfort one of your closest friends because you yourself cannot comprehend the immensity of what you have lost.

cam does not bother to comfort you either, as your best friend he says nothing at all, he stands beside you the entire time, dressed in black from head to toe and the only thing he mutters is a 'hello' and you silently thank him for that.

nikki is supposed to speak but she stands at the podium and it seems that she can no longer articulate the words she wishes to, instead josh calmly walks up and takes the paper from her hand, reading it for her, placing an arm around her shoulder as if telling her that leaving would be depriving her best friend of a last favor.

when he's done reading, everyone is all tears, the whole room is sobbing and it seems as if the whole school is there. the day officially is kept a day off from that day forward. in such a place as westchester the loss of a girl so enticing as massie is a community deprivation.

you see nikki leave and you find yourself doing the same only minutes after.

[.]

you find yourself hanging out with the boys more often, spending lunch eating with them and for a while things are silent, laughter is not an option and the days dully pass on until everyone once again returns to their normal routine.

there are only two tables in the entire cafeteria that find it harder than others.

finally kemp makes a comment one day about miranda kerr's ass and that officially marks the start of a new dawn, _without_ massie block.

[.]

you do not see nikki around as much and you two distance yourselves because the idea of hanging out together brings back too many memories of when there were three of you.

you find her alone at her table one day, while all her friends have regretfully decided toleave her and you stall behind and go sit with her, the two of you chewing in silence until she looks at you and you think you see a ghost of a smile on her face.

[.]

you two try to return to your normal routines.

you go to pick her up from her dance studio every day like you used to back when massie and her took classes together. though now you don't have to wait for massie to come out from the bathroom or whine about her teachers, things that you really miss.

one day nikki gets into the car, sweat and rain mixed together and the two of you just cry for a good hour for you two have lost a best friend.

(although nikki has lost a sister and you have lost someone who you've always thought to be the love of your life, the girl you'd one day marry)

[.]

sometimes you will drive out into the middle of nowhere on the road towards the hamptons, and you'll park your car.

you'll light a cigarette and hang your hand out the window while nikki leans her chair back, an old coke bottle in her hand as she mutters quotes from things like _looking for alaska_, _harry potter_ and _the five people we meet in heaven_ - all death related of course.

the day nikki holds her hand out for a puff of your cigarette is the day you know that massie has damned you both.

"y'all smoke to enjoy it, i smoke to die." she murmurs.

[.]

there are days where you find yourselves sitting on the sidewalk at what once used to be the block residence (before they moved away) yet far enough away so that the security of the estate wouldn't be able to chase you away.

you both crack open bottles of henry weinhard's and tally how many people driving by will give you dirty looks thinking that you're drinking something alcoholic.

nikki murmurs one day, "let's get lost."

you nod your head and from there it is nothing but a spiral downward.

[.]

the two of you decide to play little games, leave your car at the edge of the city and walk for hours until you have become completely lost. the first place that directions are asked for is the place you start at the next time you come back to the city.

its a silent agreement between the two of you to live for massie.

you both get tattoos and nikki gets a belly button piercing (the exact one massie would have wanted), you visit all the sights massie wished to have visited and the two of you even go on a trip to europe the summer before senior year. your parents have lost complete hope in the both of you, its been months and there is no convincing the either of you to return to normalcy.

nikki&derrick have become an entity, two best friends - brother& sister, for no one else has gone through what the two of you have and therefore, no one else is truly worthy of either of your time.

[.]

checking off an invisible bucket list becomes a routine.

together you and nikki have done thousands of things that massie had mentioned - some only one time.

you've gone to see her favorite bands live, visited (and been chased off of) the sets of her favorite tv shows, gotten kicked out of walmart, eaten crepes on the steps of the met, eating a full course meal in front of tiffany's, climbed the horse in front of pf changs, played numerous pranks, walked the entire city of new york, eaten at grimaldi's, visited all the sights of europe, made awkward conversation within an elevator, and when nikki gets the opportunity to dance in one of the most astounded dance halls, you two feel more than just a little accomplished.

when college apps come around, the two of you apply to anywhere that seems far enough, and quirky enough to house massie jillian block.

[.]

your friends do not look at the two of you the same way.

the budding romances nikki had with josh and cam have seemed to fly off her radar and she no longer strives for their attention, she long since has, because now she has to carry massie's nonchalance and she does not have time for petty things anymore - not when her best friend has been cold six feet under the ground for months.

skye will often try to get the two of you involved again but there's always a polite decline and the smell of cigarettes, stale beer and the lingering of white powder on either of your clothes usually sends her scuttling away with a tight smile on her face.

that's always when nikki's back up perfumes come in handy.

[.]

when the harvard acceptance letter comes in the mail you do not know what to do.

your hands are trembling and your parents are shedding tears for a son they thought they had long since lost and your sister stays up with you all night watching old comedies and you think that things haven't felt this normal in such a long time.

then you remember two people who you selfishly forgot - nikki&massie.

[.]

the warm aura of the slice of heaven sends you there straight away. the immediate heat on your face in the early march air makes the bottom of your feet tingle in some kind of mellow dramatic way.

griffin seats you almost immediately, but then you see nikki's already in a booth at the back and you can't help but think that great minds think alike.

you raise a hand in recognition and she looks up, green eyes meet brown and you see a paper in her hand.

"stanford."

"harvard."

the two of you say at the same time.

she lets out a snort and you let out an airy chuckle as you plop down at the seat across from her and she kicks up her boots beside you. the idea that no matter how hard the two of you tried to not give a fuck yet still failed and managed to pull through shows that although you tried to keep massie alive, you too in time managed without her and that is the most painful thing you've felt in the year past.

"derrick, look," nikki says, licking her lips and looking you dead in the eye, "there's a lot we need to talk about. its just, its just been so difficult and i'm still not ready to talk about her, but i think - i think we have to." you nod as if she should continue and she looks down at the cold pizza before her, "the day that she," nikki pauses and nods as if prompting herself, "the day massie block died," her voice is clearer, louder and sharper (although the evidence of thickness in her throat is still there), as if to remind herself and finally accept the fact she has long been denying, "she told me that she was in love, _with you._"

you shake your head, "but landon," is all you manage.

"you were the other guy derrick, don't you see? this whole time. that shit she spewed on her deathbed, it was because she wanted you to get over her, to move on. she loved you just as much as you loved her. god! the amount of times she talked about you..." nikki shakes her black curls and then looks up at you again and places a hand beside yours as you furiously shake your head.

"no, stop." nikki just knits her eyebrows together and your nostrils flare, "what the fuck are you trying to do nik? massie's dead, you said it yourself. its been like this for a year now. what are you trying to do by reminding me, of _taunting_ me about what could have been?"

"that's not what i'm trying to do," her voice is gruff and it nearly reminds you of the nikki you used to know, before the _incident - _the tough, know-it-all, quirky girl who always told you off and put you in your place, not the fragile one you now knew as your only friend as opposed to your best. "you need closure, we both do. i've been trying to keep this secret for massie as a last favor, but its not doing me any good. i needed to tell you for my own peace of mind."

"right." you mumble.

"when i said let's get lost, i never actually thought we'd lose ourselves."

with that nikki leaves a crisp fifty on the table and leaves, pressing together the edges of her acceptance letter.

[.]

at nikki's performance, you watch and then leave. you cannot bear to be around her anymore without haunting thoughts of an old friendship, _a dead one at that_.

your parents have decked the house with harvard gear, your tuition and agreement have already been sent in and you are now just counting down the days until you can finally leave this "godforsaken place" as massie always referred to it as.

[.]

on march 29th, you walk through the creaky gate of westchester cemetery and you see a tall, willowy silhouette standing over the grandest stone in the park. ivy has since grown over the stone, and the words are not yet faded, and the granite is still fine.

"i hate this place," nikki says, scuffing the ground and then falling to sit criss-cross at the foot of massie's grave.

"tell me about it." you say, breathing out the mild air. you sit beside her and it takes only a few seconds before she places her head on your shoulder and begins to pick grass.

it is once again derrick harrington, nikki dalton and massie block, just as it should be.

no words are said but the apology floats and the acceptance is just felt. if massie where there, she would have been the one to have broken up the rift between you and nikki, she would have said "fighting's for fuckers and we don't fuck" and that would have been that.

"so harvard, eh?" nikki asks, nudging the flowers that you brought away from her own pile atop the grave.

"yeah, i guess." you sigh, "and stanford?"

"yeah, i guess..." she whispers softly, "i got into central st. martins." she mumbles and at first you don't catch it, but when you do you grin and shoot up in your seat a bit.

"seriously?" nikki had only been talking about that place since day one of when you met her. it was her dream school, the place to be for any sort of art major.

"yeah," she smiles and bites her lip, looking to massie's grave as if expecting her to say something before she looks back at you, "but my mom doesn't think its a good idea...stanford and csm, biggest choice of my life." she sighs.

"its an easy choice...its like picking either cam or josh."

nikki laughs and shakes her head.

"nah," she coughs a bit before reaching in her pocket and takes out two acceptance letters and places them over massie's grave. "alright mass," she says authoritatively, "you pick bitch."

nothing happens.

"nice nikki, _nice_. ask the dead girl." you joke and although there's still some pain, it doesn't hurt as much to laugh.

"don't be mean," nikki says, her eyes jokingly threatening you. the two of you sit still for hours, and you talk about nothing in particular until a little bird flies and sits on one of nikki's papers.

"which one?" you say the moment her eyes land on it, she gestures towards it and you lean forward and pick it up, you smile a little and you hold it out to her and she grins.

before you leave the two of you chant, "i love yah mass."

you promise yourself that you'll never visit again  
>(you break it the very next day)<p>

[.]

at graduation, kristen gregory is the valedictorian speaker. she is chosen from a hat with all your names in it and therefore you and nikki are forced to sit in a respective alphabetical order and pretend to feel sorry about leaving.

in the weeks between march 29th and graduation day you've managed to reconcile some sort of friendship with those you'd lost when massie died.

nikki is still choosing between josh and cam and you are still in love with the same girl although you try to sway yourself away from it.

kristen mentions something about massie and even mentions yours and nikki's hardships in her speech, saying something about how high school is a different experience for everyone and how proud she is that even those with so many troubles have pulled through. you feel nothing towards her and you do not doubt that nikki feels the same way.

[.]

you go to oxford and nikki goes to csm, and the two of you remain best friends. there is a point in time where you date someone but it does not last.

nikki ends up with josh and you never marry.

although you were lost, you have found yourself and so has nikki.  
>(somewhat)<p>

sometimes though, when things are lost, they are not meant to be found and you know you've come a long way since massie block.

[.]

one thing is for sure, she is still everything to you.

not a day goes by where you don't find yourself smiling about her and imagining (what could have been) a future together.  
>(you do betray her though, for you never moved on)<p>

* * *

><p><em>uhhhh, i don't know. <em>_don't ask. i'm sorry.__ that was just weird, i promise my original version was better but it got messed up when ff stopped loading...okay i should do my homework now :D _

_review?_

xx,

alyssa.


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